I have heard seriously wrong assumptions that men have about women. I don’t blame them really. A man’s life in my eyes is pretty straightforward. His way of thinking is too. He is born, one hand in his pants, the other on a gadget of his preference. Could be a computer, a phone, or a ball (not intended). Then he grows older and taller. He might feel sad at one point, call a friend and drink whiskey in silence. When he is 40ish, pressure may build up. In a moment of horn madness, he might sell his property and take a 20 year old comfort lady who calls him ‘papi’, to Dubai. To feed sharks. A month later, he comes home broke and begs his wife to take him back. They start all over again. A woman can do all these things in one morning and still have the energy to go fire someone at work.

Women want black tea today and coffee the next. Some days we are happy. Others, you touch us, you die. It really depends on which foot hits the floor first when a lady swings out of bed. But a grown up woman will learn to tame these imbalances of her system for the good of the world. We are unique. But still in our differences, we remain the same. (See, we are confounding)

As ladies, we talk, a lot. But there are things that we just won’t say. Words we learn to mince lest we bruise egos. Ego is to a man what attention is to a woman. Both thrive on compliments.  It needs to be extolled and pampered with long smooth and delicate strokes of gifted hands. Instead of saying what we really think, or feel, we are economical with the truth. We linguistically glove it so the unsavory of our thoughts doesn’t leak out. Here are examples.

You say I love you, she says thank you. Move on. She just couldn’t say I don’t love you. It’s callous. And fellows, this doesn’t mean she is incapable of love. It’s you. Chin up soldier, another day, another lady.

She says, “I am not looking for something serious right now.” Come on! Women were born ready for something serious. We sit in our spatial temporal boudoirs waiting for you to come aboard.  To relinquish the fear of commitment, the joy of the chase and acclimatize to settling down. It means, you are just a day late and a dollar short. Not it.

She says, “let us just be friends for now and see how this will go.” They call this ‘the friend-zone’. In essence, she is keeping you (or your Didi) in a glass jar. In case of emergencies, she will break glass. Emergency might be when she gets lonely, a deal fails to break through with the other hopefuls or she downs a bottle of Zappa.

She says, “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” This here guys, is the most honest we will ever get. First, you are not her type. But she would like to keep you as a friend. But guys just cannot be friends with someone they have been involved with or are attracted to. Yes ladies, look at all your past flames. Please understand this so you pass through another corridor of the adult labyrinth. For guys, if you are not bending then you are not ‘friend-ing’.

She says, “I am booked for the next four weekends. How about the fifth weekend from today?” Boss, unless your chimneys are clogged or she is out of the country, then yes you are plan Z.

This next one will usually come from women who are more feathers than chicken. Exterior will have so much of self expression (dripping with costume jewelry). Ladies, it is really how you wear it. For this type of women, you won’t have to delve much deeper. And usually, it’s all icing and no cake.

She’ll say, “I am in between jobs for now, so I need someone who I can talk to when it gets tough.” Or isn’t that how they put it? So then you offer help and it seems like it was all your idea? Or “I like gifts.” Yes, Au digger.

What number am I? Why do men ask this question? It keeps happening, undiminished by the regularity of the lies you are told as responses. If it is 2-3, then she thinks you can’t handle the true answer.

She says, “I need space.” Funny how that space turns out exactly the same size, weight, shape and height as you.

She asks, “Do you ever use cologne?” You are probably the swarthy kind. You sweat even when it’s cold or when you are standing. Cologne is your friend. Cologne is always a friend.

She says, “You really like blue shirts.” She puts emphasis on ‘really’. She means you dress too safe. You’re probably unexciting.  Change it up.

She says, “I like straightforward.” You are chicken. Grow a pair and say what you want. It’s been a whole year of going out for coffee and my patience is waning.

She says, “Your hair has grown so long.” She will probably fake admiration at your ability to grow hair that long. It is not admiration, it is shock.

She says nothing. She is probably thinking, “Dear Lord, how did I end up here?”

She is saying a lot. Ignore most of it. Its blubber and she is comfortable with you.

She says, “you are really flexible.”  You will schedule her in whenever she wants to see you and never the other way. This really shows some desperation. And we know desperation has a scent. The cheap kind.  It is starting to show. Veil it ey?

She says, “I like your hair, your pants and how you talk” Yes, you can get it. You take time to think about these things, so you will take time to think about her needs too. The obsession with these things dates back in to the days of the Greek mythology. These are the things that were in the Pandora’s Box; Aphrodite-Beauty, Athena-clothes, and Hermes-Speech. Man has evolved but some things just remain the same.

She says, “It is getting late and I need to sleep.” This will probably come after an extended moment of silence. You have overstayed your welcome. Leave already.

She says, “slow down.” You are too much. The attention you are giving is not serving as a solution to break her walls down but as an intensifier to her will to never give in.

That said, a little chivalry goes a long way. Women are walking time capsules. They do not forget. The bad is always easily remembered. So slink in some gallantry. It’s bonga points that will come in handy on a rainy day.

So go on, read her lips.