There is this imperial curse; man must learn to live with woman and vice versa. After a few stirring years of the dating tomfoolery, each man or woman will come to this cul-de-sac conclusion – “I do not understand my partner.” It’s an esoteric, oblique point in any relationship, frustrating and draining. Like watching Tujuane or those two Luhyas in baby clothes on the Churchill live. Or ‘limaing’ for hours without results. But you keep at it.

Here’s some truth. It is supposed to be this way. Imagine if your husband behaved more like you. Imagine if he came home every 5pm in the evening, ran to you and then loudly declared, “I saw the best shirt today honey. If I don’t buy it, I will be sick. Anxiety, fevers, chills and eventually, I might start to pee in my sleep. We don’t want that. I have to buy it!” No wife needs that.

Let’s walk through some of the differences between men and women.

Why don’t men ask for directions? Pride. Makes him feel like the other guy knows more which in his head translate to ‘he is the Mandingo’. Listen Woman, he is the only Mandingo this side of the city and by god we’d better make 20 turns, encounter a band of toothless machete wielding maniacs (those that are always chewing on toothpicks) with names like Kori, Wacini or Otosh before he asks for directions.

Will a man say anything to get into a woman’s knickers? Absolutely yes.

Why do women like older men? They leak security, leadership and power.

Why do men prefer younger women? They have firm tits and a rounder ass.

Biggest misconception men have about women? That they prefer assholes. Unless the asshole has really broad shoulders, wit and beards.

Biggest misconception women have about men? That they prefer bimbos. Unless the bimbo has a huge ass.

Does Money really matter? Of course. Ask these old expats in Westlands with lasses breasts as shy as a misty sunrise.

What do men want? Just enough silence, income, food and sex.

What do women want? Everything.

Why do men hate on women after they separate? Ego. He still wants to sleep with you and you acting like he is suddenly not as charming does not go well with him. In fact it conflicts with everything he knows. He is hot. Every single man believes he has a chance with any woman, even Beyonce.

Try pointing a camera to a woman or get her in to a room full of mirrors. She freaks out. Oh God, I’m too oily. I’m too tall. I am a total idiot (at this point she starts limping in pretend catwalk, saliva drooling from her face as she tries to lick lips and hunches back like that guy from Notre Dame as she sucks in her tummy). Do the same to a man and he starts flexing like he has Usher Raymond’s V thing at the waist. He puts his arm behind his head and cocks his lips, shakes his waist and whispers, ‘I still got it’.

Do women use clues and hints when they want something? Yes. Then we act passive aggressive when we don’t get it. Ladies, we are structured this way but as you grow up you’ll learn when you want something from a guy, you have to ask directly, MORE THAN ONCE, in the right way. Do not insult the man. Casing point; “Kwani you cannot bring me flowers like Njeri’s hubby does?” You will not get them miss. This is the thing, women respond to insults and embarrassment. That’s why they are addicted to that douche and are always trying to become ‘a woman without limits’ (rolls eyes). Men are more confident in themselves. They just don’t care. Try positive reinforcement, like calling him Mufasa every time he does something nice for you.

A woman’s mind is programmed to give. To give themselves, their time, opportunities and most often are the ones that lose themselves in relationships. A man loves to take. Ergo ladies, beat him to the draw. Use your ‘craftsmanship’ to ask until he yields to giving. Mind over matter.

Why do men ogle at other women when they pass by? Women’s brains are wired such that they are capable of wide range view. So as you walk hand in hand with your man, you’ll see a beautiful lady in a short skirt across the road on the right first and quickly rate her as an 8. At the same time, the left eye checks and notices your man still walking on, looking straight on with that confident Denzel walk that got you that first time. Now, a woman does not need to turn her head for this. However, men’s brains are wired in such a way that they are only capable of long range straight view. So as he walks, he completely turns his head to the right and notices the woman. For him to look at her, he has to keep his head turned the whole time. Don’t bash him unless he actually gapes and whistles. Smile and ask him if you should get a similar skirt. Good thing is, we are almost never caught ogling.

Is lying an inevitable part of a relationship? It’s more likely but one always has choices. If you are the romantic type then YES.

She asks: Do I look fat in this?

Him: Honey, I love your ass, it’s hard for me to tell when you are less scrumptious when that fat ass is looking at me like that.

How can you keep her in love with you for a really long time? Surprise her with unexpected acts of kindness. That’s how you got her to fall in love with you in the first place. Do you think she thought you were actually Mufasa? She was still discovering you and she ate up all the enigmatic little lovely gestures.

Why are men afraid of their wives? Because it’s the smart thing to do. Listen, However huge, tall, macho, alpha a guy is, if he loves his wife, he never really wants to hurt her. It’s respect. Ergo when he feels something might not bounce well with her, he freaks out. Casing point you are walking into galleria mall with your missus and you spot an ex from six years back leaving Nakumatt heading towards the entrance. A normal guy hits his panic button to alert his security provider he is in danger, digs into his pocket and removes a grenade which he throws at the ex then carries his missus shoulder high and dashes into his car. They must not meet! He is just playing to the male DNA.

Why can’t some guys get laid? Because some guys are so boring. Some have less chutzpah than a domestic fowl. Unless you have all that and drive a jaguar, not. getting. laid. A man’s man goes in for a kiss with purpose. Not all mealy mouthed. It’s easy to mellow for a guy who can hold his own in a tete-a-tete. One time I was waiting for this cool lad I was scheduled to meet when he texts me that he’d be there in two shakes of a duck’s tail. Sit down and appreciate that wit in vocabulary. Plus this guy had obviously watched Pulp Fiction. Such get more ass than a toilet seat. Some mutts out there have convos similar to those in Hallo Children.
Him: Hi, I am Tom

Her: Hi, Mary

Him: Do you want to play with a ball? Or say two? (hehe).
Him: How are you Mary?

Her: I am well thanks. (That’s three words than is necessary. She’s willing to chat.)

Him: Do you know the security situation in this country is so dire?

Her: Yeah? Why? (In her head “uh oh”)

Him: It’s confidential but you should know.

Her: Hmmm.(I would like to tickle you with a sharp object)

Him: The Russian air force just brought in three MiG 29 fighter jets and two EF-111A Ravens.

Her: Excuse me. (As I go kill myself)

Why do men fight? Ego. That the sole reason for war. Ever wondered why all bullets, missiles are shaped like one male organ? That’s men for you. Always comparing sizes.

Does every man masturbate? Yes. And they have all been in to Sabina Joy at one point in this lifetime. Curiosity.

When do women know they will sleep with a man? Starts right about when they first shake your hand. But here’s the thing, when you meet him, you are meeting his representative. Wait till the act falls off.

What’s the correct response for when a man asks you why you are sure it can’t work even before you try him? Because it was revealed to you in a dream.

A woman worries about the future until she finds a husband. Societal pressure.

A man worries about the future after he gets a wife. Pressure to not F up.

Single Men are a little clueless about relationships. A little. You do not know the handbook until everything you do gets a feedback. Ask the married ones.

And dear men in relationships, once in a while you have to slink in random acts of ridiculous gallantry. Something that looks like Mike Oyier’s voice if you could see it. That put together,  something so chivalrous. Something that will explain why she stands you even when you behave like a complete ass. Like being driven into the estate by Mark, that guy she has never warmed up to completely stinko and waking up your children to finally explain the birds and the bees, using her as the example for a bird. Accumulated bonga points will work well in such instances. This is how you earn yours. One Friday morning, pack a few of her best dresses in your traveling bag: the long flowy one that hugs her twins like perfect peaches. and the other one with a long front slit stopping right before the thigh threatens your breathing. Show up at her office with flowers and ask her boss to let her leave early. Take her to Amboseli. On the way there, stop severally to admire the sunset and each other. Lie through your teeth and make her laugh. Then, as the sun sets, play Big Mountain’s  Uuu baby I love your way on your car stereo, lean on the front of the car, twirl her, pull her to you, take her face and kiss her slowly.  You’ll thank me later.